We’re often told there are two sides to every story. Arguably more. Take a wedge for example. From one end you see a square. Side on, a rectangle. From above a triangle. Three perspectives, three different shapes. Zoom out, it’s the sum of all three, yet none – it’s a wedge.
As human beings we’re multi-faceted. What you see isn’t always what you get. We’re not always transparent. There may be things about us that others see, which we’re oblivious to. Equally, there are things others cannot see, that are known only to us. And then there are things which are unknown to both us and others.
When someone comes to us with a problem, it’s critical to the helping relationship to understand their perspective. This is what the Oxford dictionary defines as empathy – “the ability to understand another person’s thoughts and feelings in a situation from their point of view, rather than your own.” In other words, empathy is shown in how much we can set our own opinions, thoughts, and feelings aside, in order to offer genuine compassion and understanding to another. To be able to see from their perspective, we need to fully focus on them and listen attentively. We need to see them in their own context including their family history, culture, education, life experiences, core values and beliefs, social circle, and so on. All of which affect how they think and behave, to a greater or lesser extent.
In the fictional scenario currently playing out on Eastenders, there was a lot of scare-mongering and bullying going on towards pregnant 12 year old Lily Slater. Not much empathy for young Lily, who was largely excluded from any meaningful discussion. In the end she was left to make her own decision with very little information, and certainly no safe space to calmly explore her options. Finally, her older cousin Kat, allowed her to express how she really felt. Kat had given birth in her teens, so perhaps that helped Lily feel less alienated and more empowered to find her voice.
After announcing she doesn’t want an abortion, she is once again subjected to an onslaught of anger and frustration. The distinct lack of empathy from those who should have been the most caring, only adds to Lily’s distrust. Various attempts at manipulating her into changing her mind fail spectacularly, resulting in Lily being more determined than ever to keep her baby. Everyone is unravelling at a rate of knots. Tensions are running high and the anxiety and fear is palpable.
Each of the characters has their own perspective. Their approach is governed by their life experiences, both positive and negative, along with their personal values and beliefs. Stacey was forced into terminating a pregnancy when she was young, so she feels strongly that it has to be Lily’s decision. Her negative experience has left a permanent scar, which she can’t erase.
When speaking to Lily about what would be involved in an abortion her words were to the effect “the first tablet nothing will happen, the second tablet 2 days later, then everything will come away and within a few weeks everything will go back to normal.” Stacey herself did not look convinced, and Lily certainly didn’t believe it would be that simple. She turned and fled. No honest conversation. No mention of pain or bleeding or the need for painkillers and support to help her through. Or what she might feel afterwards, and what help is available should she struggle emotionally.
Neither has there been any mention of the fact that due to her age, this will be classed as a high risk pregnancy. She hasn’t seen a midwife yet, knows nothing about antenatal screening and the possibility of complications for both her and her baby.
And despite the Slaters worry about the financial implications of “another mouth to feed”, there’s been no word of the alternative option of adoption. Lily was adamant she couldn’t get rid of the baby by having an abortion, she has said she doesn’t feel ready to be a parent, but we don’t know what her thoughts on adoption might be.
There is no easy solution. But there is a way to help and support everyone involved, while giving time and space to consider all the possibilities. There is always a need for empathy. A kind, caring response.
And it’s worth remembering there is more than one side to every story.
